Sunday, November 23, 2014

A Mother of Two.

It's Saturday, it's raining outside, both the babes are asleep, the dishes are done (not that I really ever care about my dishes,) and I've got a piping hot cup of almond steamed milk in my hand- so it seems like the perfect time to catch up on my blogging. 

Elijah is three weeks old and while that is really like nothing it's also like WHAT he is already 3 weeks old! Life is so crazy when you step back to look at it once in a while, and here is what I think so far about life with two kids... it's not been that hard! (but check back with me when he is a crawling toddler eating everything in sight and stealing Olive's toys.) Nature is so wonderful because things happen in stages so that we can adapt and be ready for the next stage when it comes, and I think the reason is has not been so hard is because I really prepared for the worst and expected it to be REALLY hard and so now I'm like hmmm not so bad. I mean the whole sleep depravation thing, I got that down! My body has had to go through so many sleep adjustments in the past 5 years that at this point it's just like whatever- I'll take what I can get! Elijah sleeps through the night (besides those feedings every few hours,) and he isn't super fussy, and when he is I just pick him up and he immediately calms down. I had thought this would be hard with Olive, but I find it relatively easy to hold the baby in one hand and play make pretend or read a book with the other. 

Miss Olive is about on the same terms with Elijah since he was born. She doesn't seem to mind him at all, but she doesn't want to cozy up with the kid either. I love to watch her personality and see how she deals with things. Honestly though I've been really impressed with the patience she has shown when I tell her she has to wait a minute or two while I feed or change the baby. I always try to involve her as much possible, she loves to tell me when he is crying and grab his binky or a diaper for me (I'm sure she is probably thinking "the faster we deal with this situation the faster my mom can get to playing with me.") I'm really careful to follow through with everything that I tell her because she is good to wait when I tell her I will just be a few minutes. She is a good big sister. 

As far as everything goes for me I feel like this change of pace has given me a lot of time to reflect on so many things. Being pregnant, working, and taking care of Olive I didn't really have any spare time to collect my thoughts. I've always been a person who likes to have a lot of things going on with very little down time and I think I've realized that even more since having this baby. I realized that while working the hours that I do is really hard because it gives me little time for anything else during the day and often leaves me quite exhausted, it's something that I really enjoy and I would love to continue to do for as long as I can. It also reaffirmed what I already knew which is that I don't like to be indoors very much. I like to live outside my house as much as possible otherwise I start to go a little crazy! Hand in hand with that I had always thought my house would be more tidy if I just had the time, I'm realizing this is not exactly true. I admire and am slightly jealous of those people that have houses that are always in order, but I've just accepted I will never be one of them (don't worry I am not like a borderline hoarder or anything, I just don't have an immaculate house.) There are so many other things I would rather be doing that bring me so much more joy, and while I really do try to keep my house as clean as I possibly can, I just know it will never be a priority to me and I'm slowly starting to be ok with that. Lastly, I don't really know that my heart has ever been so full (hormones can sometimes be a good thing.) Kc has been so kind, and we are all just so happy to be a family of four. I've had some hard moments (just like everyone does,) but all in all, I'd say the world feels pretty great right now.










Also I finished the last Christmas Stocking for baby Elijah just in time for Christmas! So much focus on my fireplace makes me REALLY want to fix it up... oh well, add that to the list! All in due time. 






Monday, November 3, 2014

Elijah Chick Atkinson.

I started this blog with the purpose of keeping personal journal. I left it public in hopes that my friends and family would enjoy reading about our life experiences, some of my thoughts, or maybe even some of my current projects. The reason I say this is because what I am about to share is my personal birth story, and since I really have no way of knowing who reads this blog I thought I would give you a warning that is may not be something that everyone will want to read. I also don't want to give the impression that the manner in which someone chooses to give birth is something I have a strong opinion about, I simply record it here for my remembrance. 
(Skip to the bottom for a brief "post birth" synopsis and some pictures.)

Elijah's Birth Story.

I had decided for this birth I wanted to go "natural" as they call it, or in other words without an epidural. There are a lot of reasons for this, but really I just wanted to experience child labor (crazy as that sounds.) I really didn't do too much to prepare, I felt that my yoga practice would really loan itself to the relaxation and breathing techniques that are needed during labor, and I read some highlights out of  a birthing book in order to be aware of what my overall expectations should be. I also asked my yoga instructor to be my "doula" of sorts to help coach me through labor. 

My due date was on the 27th of October, and I had anticipated that the baby would come early. My mother drove down from Washington on friday morning to stay with me and help take care of Olive and any of our needs when the baby came. The 27th came and went, and my mother had only planned to stay for a week. To be honest I really felt ok, I didn't feel this urge to get the baby out or anything but at this point the anticipation was killing me (especially since I had thought he would come early) and my mom was here to help me and so I really felt pressure to get the baby out while I had her help. At my appt on the 29th my midwife asked me if I wanted my membranes stripped. I wasn't really sure if this was something that I wanted but she made me feel really comfortable about it and said most people have their babies within 24 hours so I said go ahead. True to her word I started to have consistent contractions within the hour. 

Things didn't get "painful" until maybe about 7 or 8 in the evening. Kc put Olive to bed and I laid in our bed for a bit letting the contractions come. Later on I decided to get in the bathtub. I put a bunch of oils in there and KC helped me get comfortable and put on a movie for me. After a bit the contractions seemed to be more painful and closer together so I decided to get out and time them. I had mentally decided that I wouldn't allow myself to feel that the contractions were very painful because I knew it was going to get worse and I wanted to feel like I could handle it when it did. I really felt like I was doing ok. Kc and I timed the contractions and they were about 2 to 3 minutes apart so we decided we better go into the hospital. I text my friend Brittany to come meet us at the hospital and we headed over. I told the nurse I was going to try to deliver without medication, and she checked to see how dilated I was- she said I was about a 5 plus and I can't remember how effaced, maybe 60 percent? I could tell my friend Brittany felt a little unsure of what to do when she arrived as she had never done anything like this before, but she quickly found her groove and started to apply oils, ask me what my needs were, and apply pressure or comfort where needed. When I reached about a 7 they asked me if I wanted my water to be broken. It retrospect I think possibly I should not have had it broken, but I thought it would speed up the labor and I also thought it was a pretty standard thing to do. I said I would get in the bath tub and when the midwife got there she would break it. I got in the tub and it was so comfortable. I was in there with just my husband. Both he and I were falling asleep in between contractions, until one of them woke me up and I woke him up by putting a death grip on his hand. This tub was a lot better than ours at home and it helped relieve my violent shakes and soothed the urge to vomit (since I had already done enough of that at home.)

The midwife came in and asked if I was ready, but I told her that I really needed more time in there. She said she would give me about 10 more minutes. I think they were concerned that I was getting close. When I got out I think I was at about an 8, and then they broke my water. After that I got to a 9 pretty quickly and the baby started to move into transition, and that's when things hit the fan and I pretty much turned into a crazed lunatic. The pain hadn't really seemed to exist before this, and I started to panic and lose all of the control I had had during the whole labor. In my mind I felt that I could still do it because I thought it wouldn't be too much longer because I know when the pain gets this bad you are getting close. Despite the fact that I started shouting "I can't do this, I can't do this!" I still thought that I could do it because my midwife had said she thought the baby would be out in 20 minutes and that I should tell her when I felt the urge to push, but the urge to push wasn't coming! I had small moments of courage, like when they said "it's the last leg of your marathon!" I thought ok I've run a marathon, I can do this. And when I screamed out "I can't do this!" Brittany looked me in the eye and said "but you are, you are doing this." In those moments I felt that I could hold on a little longer, but I felt myself fading fast. After an hour I was still at a 9! I could tell my midwife felt awful because she had told me that the baby would be here already and he wasn't, I thought I could do it when I thought he was coming soon but at this point I had no idea how much longer I would be in this kind of pain! It was already a lot longer than I had anticipated. I was trying to do what they told me to do, I was trying to relax, but the contractions were so painful and they were right on top of each other. There were 4 or 5 women surrounding me and doing everything they could to help me and root for me. I didn't want to disappoint myself or any of them but the experience didn't seem worth it at this point. I asked if it was possible to get an epidural. They were not really sure if I would be able to get one, and they said that even if I did it might take 20 minutes to work and the baby might be here by then. I didn't care. Kc was worried I wouldn't be able to hold still since I was in so much pain. The anesthesiologist approved the epidural and they put me in position. The women were trying to hold me into place and the doctor was doing his best to swiftly administer the medication. Relief slowing came, and I was able to relax for a bit before it was time to push. 

Elijah came out quickly and the midwife said "he has red hair!" Kc and I were like, are you kidding me? haha He actually doesn't really have red hair, but if you shine the light directly on his head (like the light was when he came out) you can see a hint of red. We'll see if that comes out when his hair grows longer, or if it fades away. She put him on my lap, and all was well with the world. 


It retrospect I had thought I would be really disappointed in myself for getting so close and not making it quite to the end, but surprisingly I wasn't. It stopped being a good experience for me, and I felt like I had lost control. Also, in way I feel like I did do it even though I didn't quite get to push him out. I made it to the most painful part of the delivery and stayed there for quite a bit, I just think my body was too tense at that point to allow the rest of the delivery to continue to flow easily. I got what I needed right when  needed it and from start to finish it was a good birthing experience. I appreciated my husband and his efforts to help me through the birthing process at home. It was wonderful to see and feel his love in those moments where I really needed him. It was something that he didn't really understand my desire to do, and I know he feels like women really put way too much pressure on one another to birth a certain way- but he supported my decision anyways. I am such an independent women, and I really feel like I should ask for help more often than I do- so it was a beautiful experience for me to let go of everything and ask Kc for anything I needed, instead of trying to do it myself. I feel like it has been these types of moments in our marriage, moments where one of us has shown our deepest vulnerabilities that we are able to rely solely on the other and it brings deep meaning and understanding for one another and it strengthens the deepest roots of our marriage. 

I also think in birth it's good to stay in control of your body for as long as you can, however long that is. Allowing myself to feel the process and work with it was something really good for me, and when the time came that it was working against me I found another alternative. Afterwards talking to kc  about his thoughts on the experience he told me that he thought "wow, she went through all that pain and then she got the epidural, she could have had it all along!" I see why he feels this way, but I disagree. I felt like if I was going to get it, I did it at the perfect time. I was able to experience everything until the end, which is what I wanted to experience, childbirth! The epidural was late enough to just take away the harshest of pain without completely taking away my ability to feel or push; things that can sometimes hinder the speed of the delivery. 

From start to finish it was a wonderful experience and I achieved the things that were most important to me in a natural birth. I'm hoping to try again with my next baby, but life has a way of throwing you curve balls so I won't put any pressure or expectations on myself to have things go a certain way. That doesn't help anybody. I just know this experience was a thousand times better than the one I had with Olive, and for that I am truly grateful. And, I would definitely recommend Orem Community to anyone, it was a great hospital! 

P.S. ( In case you are wondering, Bon Iver is the best music to listen to during labor.)

Post Birth.

When Olive was born they took her away almost immediately and told me they would bring her back in an hour, but then they never brought her back. My midwife knew about the previous birth experience and was very aware and sensitive to my feelings. I was very appreciative of that. She made sure the baby stayed with me for as long as I wanted with little interference. It was so weird to get to have Elijah stay with me after birth since it was so different than before, but oh it so wonderful. 

Kc and I have just been overjoyed to have this new little person home with us. We love him so so much, and just can't stop kissing him. At the hospital Olive seemed to have little interest in this new little person. She wasn't mad, she just didn't really care. We would say, "would you like to hold him?" and she said "ummm no." Since being home Olive has taken a little more interest in him. I have her help me change his diaper, which of course he hates, and so she offers him some of her toys when he cries and she will try to put the binky in his mouth. Those have been our sweetest tender moments. She doesn't seem to get jealous of him, but he doesn't really take too much attention from her for the time being- he just sleeps and eats. It's only been a couple days, but so far life as a family of four has been pretty seamless. Just trying to figure out our new rhythms... and get my body back to normal :) We are all feeling very happy, and very blessed. Thanks to all the wonderful family who have visited us and shown your love and support. 







Proud Mom and Dad.


Some of our favorite visitors. 




I had to leave the hospital early because I really wanted to take the cutest little kitty in the whole world trick or treating. I had no regrets about this decision. 




And then there were four.