Wednesday, January 7, 2015

My thoughts in Yoga Last night

After you have a baby everything halts and for a while it is kind of nice, but there comes a point where you start to yearn for some semblance of your old routine. Nothing quite puts the pieces back together like attending my yoga class. If I am lucky I get to attend a one hour class a couple nights a week and for that whole hour I feel completely at peace. It's this lovely feeling where my husband comes home and I have gotten everything ready so I can just walk out the door and not think about anything until I walk back through it again. 

There are many aspects of this whole process that make me feel strengthened. Aside from the obvious physical part it's a time when I try to push aside all judgment and really focus on things that matter. I mostly have thoughts on things I want improve on; things within my practice, but also as a mother, sister, wife, friend, and member of society. 

I try to think about my goals and aspirations, and I do so one breath at a time. Last night I found that many of my thoughts collected around something I read in a book a week or so ago. I've been trying to make small changes in my life because those are the ones that seem to be feasible and long lasting. One of those was to try to read while I'm nursing or rocking the baby instead of aimlessly searching for unwatched footage on Hulu. I don't always achieve this goal, but like I said it's the small steps I've taken in my life that have seemed to stick. Giving up things here and there until I don't need them anymore.

I used to be an avid reader but it's a past time that I find more difficult to balance these days. The period in your life where you just sit and rock that little baby to sleep is so fleeting, and so I may not read another book for some time because I am sure that quite soon I will chasing after a little crawler instead of rocking him. I saw an interview of Toni Morrison on the Colbert report (so some good things do come from browsing through the channels) and I was very stuck with her and some of the things she said, so I decided to read a book of hers. This is sending me way off topic because what I mean to say is that I was contemplating a quote from a book I had recently read that was written by her. The book (like all her books) was about the life experience of black women. The quote went something like this. 

"All of us-all who knew her-felt so wholesome after we cleaned ourselves on her. We were so beautiful when we stood astride her ugliness. Her simplicity decorated us, her guilt sanctified us, her pain made us glow with health, her awkwardness made us think we had a sense of humor... We honed our egos on her, padded our characters with her frailty, and yawned in the fantasy of our strength."

These words swirled in my mind as I contemplated the times when I had mentally derailed someone else in order to lift myself up when maybe what I should have done was reach out a helping hand. We all have our short comings and our insecurities, we wouldn't be human without them- but I think I realized that even my weaknesses can be used as strengths if I allow them to. When I'm not feeling my very  best it won't do me any good to find someone else who is doing worse and prop myself up with it. I can use that feeling to find others in the same self doubt and do what I can to help them feel that they are of worth. The previous sentiment is only superficial and can only last you so long, but I can imagine that the later will bring you much greater joy. 

These were some of my thoughts last night as I pondered on things that I could do better. Sometimes I just don't know how, but I hope that I can find a way. Too often I forget to write things down and then they are lost in the abyss that is every mother's mind- and so when I have those moments of peaceful clarity I am trying to find a way to keep them, to hold on long enough to spark a small change in my life. 
Because it's the small things, for  me anyways. 



Thursday, January 1, 2015

HAPPY NEW YEAR!

2014 was one of the best years of my life, and 2015 is looking real good from where I'm standing! Kc had Christmas Eve to January 1st off of work, and he was happy to just relax and stay home and so I was happy to take advantage of that :) We had a low key Christmas Eve with Kc's family, and a wonderful Christmas Day. I've made it a tradition to make breakfast at my house for the family. Last year was delicious crepes, and this year I tried buckwheat waffles that had to rise over night. They were so light and airy, which may not have been the best thing since you could eat like 5 without even blinking an eye! Since we were blessed with a white Christmas Kc spent some time outside trying to build a snowman with Olive (it was a struggle because it wasn't great packing snow.) We spent the rest of the afternoon at Kc's parent house and that evening we saw a movie together. Olive sat on Kc's lap and Elijah slept quietly in his car seat through the whole thing. We all went to bed that evening feeling pretty satisfied with the events of the day. The next night Kc and I went to dinner and a movie without the babes. Since those nights seem to be rare these days it was really special. I love that man so much.

On the following Monday I had decided that I wanted to take Olive skiing. I thought I would ski as well since it would be hard to help her on a snowboard. I used to ski when I was little, and while it had been awhile I thought it would be fun to give it a try again. Olive is not even two and a half so I figured if the skiing was a bust we could just play up in the snow for a bit. Sundance is only twenty minutes away and there was so much fresh powder I just couldn't find any excuse not to at least try it. My friend Jen had planned to come up with me but I lucked out because her husband decided to come along as well who used to be a professional skier, so we were all in very good hands! We started on a little hill just walking up and letting her slide down. She seemed to be getting the hang of it and she just loved it so we went straight for the chair lift! I knew that if Olive got frustrated or anything happened that Blake (Jen's husband) would just carry her the whole way down, but he didn't need to because Olive loved every second of it. It gives me the warmest feeling when I think about it. I was partially waiting for her to get frustrated but she just kept yelling awesome, hooray, and asking for more the whole way down. It was so fun. Kc came up after we made it down the mountain so that I could feed Elijah and send both the little rascals back home with him and do some runs with Jen and Blake. (I kind of lucked out on the best husband ever.) It was honestly the best day, and I might just have to start skiing now (and put that little Olive on a ski team!) 

New Years Eve was low key as well (as it is for most parents with infants and toddlers.) During the day we took Olive to the aquarium with my sister and her kids. They did a little ballon drop at noon, and while it was a little lame Olive seemed to like it. Mostly she loved seeing the sharks, penguins, turtles, and birds. That evening we invited my friend Stephanie and her husband over for pizza and just relaxed and talked while our little girls played. Although we ended the night around 9 because we wanted to put our girls to bed, it was still really fun. New Year's Day was spent with Kc's family. We went to Provo rec and played racquetball and took Olive swimming. She was quite adventurous in the water, it took me by surprise and once again reminded me how much she has grown in the past few months. She makes me so happy, she is so full of life and most always has a smile on her face. We missed dinner with the family because Olive fell asleep in the car and then when we brought her in the house she crawled into our bed and fell asleep again. Poor little cute thing was exhausted. It's been an adventurous week. 

I am not a big one for New Year's Resolutions, but I do like to make lots of goals for myself and the start of a new year is a good time to make some goals. I have lots of little things I am working towards, but I think the thing I want to focus on the most is to stop apologizing for myself. I've realized that as long as I am trying my very best (and most of the time I think I am) than I don't want to feel like I have to make excuses or feel bad about myself in the areas that I seem to always fall short. I will always keep trying to do better, but there is no need to live in a constant state of guilt when I've got so many wonderful other qualities to offer the world. So here's to being unapologetically who I am, and being ok with it.  



We lost the snowman's mouth :(






Yes all these pictures are necessary. Look how happy she is about her snowman and the pumpkin hat she found!


Lots of suspicious pictures like this on my phone lately... I think I know who the photographer may be.



Christmas Eve.


Christmas Morning. 
Olive stopped in the middle of opening her presents to read a couple books aloud to us.


The snowman attempt. 


Snow angels!!


Baby Elijah! 







That Beloved Snow Day. 
Too lazy/tired to put up the video of Olive skiing, but trust me it's adorable!