In Memoriam
Sunday March 20th is Bryant's birthday. When Bryant passed away last June I had a lot of thoughts and emotions. I didn't want to share them at the time not necessarily because they were so personal but almost because I didn't want to tackle them in a literary way quite yet. I wanted them to settle. I regret that now because I think I felt that I would come to some sort of conclusion or understanding of things in some way, but now I realize that even if you do come to some sort peace about these kinds of things you will always consider them and play them over in your mind and continue to grow and learn from it for the rest of your life.
I thought a lot about Bryant when he died. I've thought of him often since then, and lately I have thought of him quite a lot. Since this is the only journal I have been able to maintain with some consistency many of the memories and reflections I had at the time of his death are in some respects lost. I hope to recall at least some of those precious thoughts I had at the time of his passing, and the many I have had since then. While the specifics of events and conversations and impressions may have somewhat faded, the impact of them has not. And my memory of Bryant and the way he was, that is as clear as day.
I remember at the time he died that I really had this focus on thinking "how can I learn from this?" "How can I go forward and be a positive force in the world because of this experience as an honor to Bryant?" I would not say that Bryant and I were particularly close or that we had frequent interactions with one another, but my husband KC was very close to him and so in that way I knew Bryant through the lens of my husband. They had a very strong bond with one another for a lot of reasons, but I think one of them was that they were the only two in the family who had experienced certain things and I think it often made Bryant feel understood when KC was there.
Bryant had struggles, like we all do. I know he felt judged. The longer I live in Provo the more I understand it. There are so many wonderful and giving people in this town, but there is also a lot of judgement that goes around, and it's sad. The time I spent with Bryant left me feeling sometimes frustrated with him, but only if it was directly related to me. Most often I felt that I didn't really know him or the things he had experienced in his life and so I was in the position to judge him. Kc nurtured a lot of my sympathies and perspectives because he did know Bryant, he knew his heart. I remember I took this class at BYU Education week about Depression. I know this was one of the struggles Bryant had during his time here with us. It is something I had never struggled with personally, but I had wanted to have a better understanding of it. I felt that it changed me in a way I can't explain, and I walked out of that class with a new lens for seeing people in the world, kind hearted people like Bryant. I loved how much Bryant and Kc loved each other, and it affected me in a way I don't think I am even fully realizing till I write it now. Kc (and his father Scott) had this ability to always see Bryant for who he really was, no matter the circumstances of life.
It wasn't until a trip KC's family took to Hawaii a couple years ago that I felt that I really understood Bryant better, and who he really was at his core. We were all together in a house, and his daughter Cailin was there with us as well. Previously I hadn't spent much time with the two of them. She didn't want to do anything without her Dad, she was just cherishing every second with him. The love between the two was palpable. They would walk to the local store together just to get a drink, and the time was so precious to them both. I could see how much he loved her, and how much he wanted her to know that. And she did know it. When you see people in their moments where they express and display their deepest love, you can understand them more fully and your compassion for them as human beings grows. There was an event that caused some altercation that caused the family to sit together to talk things through. I was present but not being an immediate family member I didn't say anything but only observed. Everyone was trying to be as forgiving and compassionate as possible and still Bryant seemed to be very much on the defense. I remember during the conversation and afterwards thinking, I get it, I get you Bryant. I really regret not saying that to him at the time. I get that feeling of trying and trying and making a mistake and feeling that only your mistakes are being recognized and sort of backed into a corner fighting your way out. I wish we were all better at comparing ourselves to ourselves, but we are not. We are always being measured up to others, and it's not fair.
I think when someone dies we ask ourselves what we could have done differently, better, what would we have changed if we could. Naturally I had this thought, but because my interactions with Bryant were so infrequent I didn't feel there was too much that I did "wrong" but definitely things I could have done better. Moments I could have taken advantage of to make him feel more loved. Although these kinds of thoughts are fruitless in as much that you can't change the past, they are however beneficial in that it helps you make improvements for things in the future. After Bryant died we spent a lot of time talking about him and his life. I wish we could do this while people are still living. I understood him so much better. One important lesson I have learned in my life is that if you ever feel bothered by someone, ask them about themselves. When you get to know people and their story and life experiences you can't help but feel more love, compassion, understanding, patience, and forgiveness for them. This is how I felt with Bryant.
I'm hoping to continue my dialogue here as I learn new things about myself and the world from my reflection on Bryant's life, but I wanted to conclude with the things I have observed and pondered the most. The bond between a parent and child is tangible. It is the strongest bond on the face of this earth. The things learned and sacrificed through that kind of a relationship are beyond our earthly understanding. Love is so pure. It really can conquer and overcome anything, and we should seek it in any relationship that we encounter with any person in our lives. Forgiveness and compassion will never hurt you. They will never make you less the way holding on to grudges or anger can. I want to seek to help and understand, I want to believe that I have a higher capacity than to judge someone. It's interesting how those simply adages that we have been hearing for years have so much truth to them. Judge not, lest ye be judge. Don't judge til' you've walked a mile in someone else's shoes.
These are my thoughts today. For you Bryant.
P.S. If you want to hear a beautiful podcast about Forgiveness there is one available on KUER RadioWest by Doug Fabrizio. You can't go wrong with any of his podcasts, but this is one of his very best (in my opinion.)
Bryant had struggles, like we all do. I know he felt judged. The longer I live in Provo the more I understand it. There are so many wonderful and giving people in this town, but there is also a lot of judgement that goes around, and it's sad. The time I spent with Bryant left me feeling sometimes frustrated with him, but only if it was directly related to me. Most often I felt that I didn't really know him or the things he had experienced in his life and so I was in the position to judge him. Kc nurtured a lot of my sympathies and perspectives because he did know Bryant, he knew his heart. I remember I took this class at BYU Education week about Depression. I know this was one of the struggles Bryant had during his time here with us. It is something I had never struggled with personally, but I had wanted to have a better understanding of it. I felt that it changed me in a way I can't explain, and I walked out of that class with a new lens for seeing people in the world, kind hearted people like Bryant. I loved how much Bryant and Kc loved each other, and it affected me in a way I don't think I am even fully realizing till I write it now. Kc (and his father Scott) had this ability to always see Bryant for who he really was, no matter the circumstances of life.
It wasn't until a trip KC's family took to Hawaii a couple years ago that I felt that I really understood Bryant better, and who he really was at his core. We were all together in a house, and his daughter Cailin was there with us as well. Previously I hadn't spent much time with the two of them. She didn't want to do anything without her Dad, she was just cherishing every second with him. The love between the two was palpable. They would walk to the local store together just to get a drink, and the time was so precious to them both. I could see how much he loved her, and how much he wanted her to know that. And she did know it. When you see people in their moments where they express and display their deepest love, you can understand them more fully and your compassion for them as human beings grows. There was an event that caused some altercation that caused the family to sit together to talk things through. I was present but not being an immediate family member I didn't say anything but only observed. Everyone was trying to be as forgiving and compassionate as possible and still Bryant seemed to be very much on the defense. I remember during the conversation and afterwards thinking, I get it, I get you Bryant. I really regret not saying that to him at the time. I get that feeling of trying and trying and making a mistake and feeling that only your mistakes are being recognized and sort of backed into a corner fighting your way out. I wish we were all better at comparing ourselves to ourselves, but we are not. We are always being measured up to others, and it's not fair.
I think when someone dies we ask ourselves what we could have done differently, better, what would we have changed if we could. Naturally I had this thought, but because my interactions with Bryant were so infrequent I didn't feel there was too much that I did "wrong" but definitely things I could have done better. Moments I could have taken advantage of to make him feel more loved. Although these kinds of thoughts are fruitless in as much that you can't change the past, they are however beneficial in that it helps you make improvements for things in the future. After Bryant died we spent a lot of time talking about him and his life. I wish we could do this while people are still living. I understood him so much better. One important lesson I have learned in my life is that if you ever feel bothered by someone, ask them about themselves. When you get to know people and their story and life experiences you can't help but feel more love, compassion, understanding, patience, and forgiveness for them. This is how I felt with Bryant.
I'm hoping to continue my dialogue here as I learn new things about myself and the world from my reflection on Bryant's life, but I wanted to conclude with the things I have observed and pondered the most. The bond between a parent and child is tangible. It is the strongest bond on the face of this earth. The things learned and sacrificed through that kind of a relationship are beyond our earthly understanding. Love is so pure. It really can conquer and overcome anything, and we should seek it in any relationship that we encounter with any person in our lives. Forgiveness and compassion will never hurt you. They will never make you less the way holding on to grudges or anger can. I want to seek to help and understand, I want to believe that I have a higher capacity than to judge someone. It's interesting how those simply adages that we have been hearing for years have so much truth to them. Judge not, lest ye be judge. Don't judge til' you've walked a mile in someone else's shoes.
These are my thoughts today. For you Bryant.
P.S. If you want to hear a beautiful podcast about Forgiveness there is one available on KUER RadioWest by Doug Fabrizio. You can't go wrong with any of his podcasts, but this is one of his very best (in my opinion.)
