New Knits.

Here is an update on my latest knits.

This sweater took on a life of it's own. I had been eyeing this pattern in one of my baby knit books for quite some time. My sister in law was pregnant with a little girl and I had really wanted to make her something and I thought this would be perfect. "Following" this pattern reminded me that I am constantly doing stupid things of which I know better, for example this pattern called for basically sock yarn so naturally I dug in my big pile of yarn and found something that was NOT sock yarn and proceeded to use it anyways. Lately I have been trying to do all my projects with yarn I already have since I have collected so much, and I have mostly been able to figure out something that worked. This one didn't. The yarn was too thick and since I hadn't edited anything when I was knitting it ended up being way too wide. I decided I couldn't scrape it, so I decided to "make it work." I took off the sleeves, closed a button hole and added an inside snap so I could hold the sweater in place to adjust the fitting. The buttons in the pattern were a standard clear button, but I found these gold ones that I had to use because they added the perfect pop. I am happy with how it turned out! I turned a 0-3 long sleeve sweater into a 9-12 month little short sleeve sweater. 

Found this cute baby to model for me.

Then I tried to on her adorable 3 year old sister to see if we could pull it off as a cute crop sweater, I think we can, right??

Then I got on this baby bootie kick and I want to knit a hundred more and give them to everyone who has a baby haha. The top ones are wool 3-6 month and went to a friend who's baby may not have much longer to live. The second pair are cotton newborns that went to a friend who lost their last baby as still born and is due in May. They don't find out the sex of the baby, so I thought this color was perfect. Hoping to knit some light green or dark blue ones for another baby that was born 7 weeks early to my husband's friend and his wife who are having other struggles as well. I feel like these booties are not anything that big or grand but they are a labor of love for me, and I hope the people who receive them feel that from me. 

Currently working on a project that a co-worker begged me to knit with considerable compensation so I decided for once to say yes but I am not really enjoying it and I am reminded why I am only willing to knit things that I love. Oh well, can't turn back now. Happy knitting!

Christmas (2015) in Florida.

Last Christmas we went to Florida. We were supposed to go on a cruise to the Bahamas, but that didn't really work out. Kc's dad had really wanted us to all go somewhere together after Bryant's passing. Kc's older sister Erin put a lot of work into booking a cruise for all 20 of us. The plan was to go to Florida for a few days then go on the cruise. We had lots of fun the first few days, it was especially nice to go from cold Utah to Florida. The house had a small pool in the back yard and we all enjoyed swimming and spending time together there. Writing this now is flooding back all the memories and feelings and I am remembering how much fun it really was. We went on a swamp tour which was a really fun thing to do with the family, especially since it included a little zoo and the kids had fun being chased by a big turtle and seeing lots of gators and birds and getting to look at and touch all kinds of animals. We visited a place called Wonder Works in Orlando which was like a science museum of sorts, and that was really fun to do with the kids also. Then it was time for the cruise. 

We had to pack up all our bags and move out of our place and go to the airport to get a shuttle. It was a lot of work but we were all very excited. We finally arrived at the cruise check in and we were trying to make sure we had all our luggage and the papers that we needed. We were assigned to random rooms not necessarily by families in order to make sure we had all the beds required for each person, so Kc's mother had Olive with her to account for a bed (even though she would be just sleeping on top of us in that tiny room haha.) We were all talking to different people who were checking us in and so Kc and I gave all the paperwork needed and boarded the boat. We were the only ones in the family that did. Then we got a call shortly after boarding, we had already headed up to get some food because we were so hungry and little Elijah has fallen asleep in an Ergo on my chest. I'm glad we didn't miss their call because we easily could have with how loud and busy it was. They told us that they were not going let his sister Erin on the boat. Long story short it was because she was pregnant. She had a doctor's note sent in, and we did everything we could, but they still wouldn't let her on. It was really really hard, especially because she had put in so much work and because we didn't know that would be an issue and if we had anticipated it we would have done so many things differently. We could have all gone and left Erin, but that didn't feel right especially on Christmas Eve and on a trip that was planned mostly by Erin. Also Kc's dad wanted this to be a trip that we could all be together as family, and so that is what we were going to do. After we all decided to stay it was hard two fold because not only were we not going to go on this anticipated trip that Kc's dad had paid for, we also were stuck with no place to go with 20 people (half of them being little kids,)  on a major holiday. We managed to get a place for a couple days and a shuttle to get us all there. We spent the next couple days swimming in the pool and enjoying our time together. And honestly it may have been a good thing we didn't get on that cruise because pretty much everyone in the whole family got hit with a nasty bug, almost each person took a turn with a bout of vomiting and/or other unpleasant things, and we most likely would have been quarantined on that ship anyways. We had to find somewhere else for the last couple nights and we decided to go to Universal Studios so we could visit Harry Potter world. That ended up being really fun, and I think I could have pounded about 10 glasses of butter beer (and I nearly did!) I loved it hot, cold, and frozen! I kept imagining I was really there in the book, and despite most of the attractions being a way to just make more money, it was very enchanting.

In the end I do wish we could have gone on that cruise, but such is life, and I mean if the worst thing that happens to you in your life is you miss out on a cruise, than really you are doing just fine. It was really good to be out of Utah when it was so cold, and for kids to be with their cousins, and for us all to spend time together. When I think back on the trip I get a happy feeling and despite a few disappointments I don't regret that trip at all and it brought me many wonderful memories. 

To the beach! We tried to catch some waves there but they were really big and choppy and hard to get past, especially for a huge amateur like me that only gets to go once a year. I maybe caught one or two. Kc's sister Angie however is a rock star, and is so fun to watch. The white wash was so big that we put Olive on the board to have a her catch a little wave but she has never really loved being thrashed around in the water. Can't say I have ever been too much of a fish myself. I love to get out there and try stuff, but I never know what I am doing and I honestly will probably kill myself one day.

I wish I could have this made into a painting.

Little Elijah racing into the ocean with reckless abandon. You have to watch this guy.

My handsome hubby.

Elijah wasn't so fond of the wind in his face and refused to put on the ear muffs so he only spent a few minutes facing out like this, he mostly was turned toward his mom with his face tucked into her chest.

I will be so sad when this stops.

If you look hard you can spy a gator just to the right of Olive's shoulder.

This turtle was crazy and would follow you around and try to step on or nip at your toes. It was cool to be able to get so close and personal with him though. 

Olive loved this goat so much, I can hear her little voice baby talking to it right now haha.

Look at this cute little sloth sleeping in a pot!

Wonder Works.

Where we ended up after our catastrophe. 

Butter Beer and sleeping babies. Two things I love.

This is what I need!

Back Logging.
(Thanksgiving 2015.)

I've been trying to find some time to catch up on my blog. As a busy working Mom with lots of hobbies and things I would like to do I am always conflicted with the best way to spend my time and I often feel that the blog should be one of the first things I let go, but then I go back and look at all my past entries and I am reminded of so many wonderful memories and I know I have to do my best to document what I can. So here I am, trying to do a little catching up!

For Thanksgiving I (we) got to go "home" to my parents in Washington. My siblings and I have kind of decided to go to Washington every Thanksgiving and stay home for Christmas. Most of us live in Utah and close to our in-laws so we automatically spend most holidays with them, and since as your children grow it's nice to be in your home on Christmas we all end up spending that holiday with in-laws as well. So, instead of trying to trade every other Christmas we thought we would just go to Washington every Thanksgiving and then stay home for every Christmas. We have done this for the past 2 or 3 years. 

I love thanksgiving at my parents. My dad does the best turkey, he spends a lot of time preparing and cooking it in the dutch oven outside. My mom is an amazing cook and she makes all the sides and a delicious banana creme pie. My aunt brings my favorite salad and as I get older it seems to be the thing that covers most of my plate. With 8 kids we kind of descend on my parents and take over their house, and somehow we make it all work. This year my parents rented two motorhomes and my family stayed in one (slept in there) and my brother and his family stayed in the other one. It worked out really well.

This year was no exception to any other year, we had a blast. My parents have always had lots to do at their house but this year they had a big hot tub installed and that was a big hit, especially with the kids. We turned down the heat and they played and splashed in there for hours and hours (the adults got to have some hot tub nights too.) We played an indoor "bubble" soccer game where you run around in these bubbles and attempt to play a game of soccer. Lots of fun and lots of sore necks. We hit up some movies and snowflake lane and got some kringle at Molbak's (and somehow managed to leave that place without Elijah breaking any ornaments, a true miracle.) Olive got to ride my mom's new horse and has been talking about it ever since! We can't wait to go back in august. Family is the best.

Little guy loved it when I held him while I played ping-pong, he thought it was quite funny being jerked around so I could hit the ball. It was a good excuse for a reason I lost a game that I honestly would have lost anyways... Im relishing those days when I used to beat Kc! Why did his work have to get a ping-pong table, boo.

In Memoriam 

Sunday March 20th is Bryant's birthday. When Bryant passed away last June I had a lot of thoughts and emotions. I didn't want to share them at the time not necessarily because they were so personal but almost because I didn't want to tackle them in a literary way quite yet. I wanted them to settle. I regret that now because I think I felt that I would come to some sort of conclusion or understanding of things in some way, but now I realize that even if you do come to some sort peace about these kinds of things you will always consider them and play them over in your mind and continue to grow and learn from it for the rest of your life.  

I thought a lot about Bryant when he died. I've thought of him often since then, and lately I have thought of him quite a lot. Since this is the only journal I have been able to maintain with some consistency many of the memories and reflections I had at the time of his death are in some respects lost. I hope to recall at least some of those precious thoughts I had at the time of his passing, and the many I have had since then. While the specifics of events and conversations and impressions may have somewhat faded, the impact of them has not. And my memory of Bryant and the way he was, that is as clear as day. 

 I remember at the time he died that I really had this focus on thinking "how can I learn from this?" "How can I go forward and be a positive force in the world because of this experience as an honor to Bryant?" I would not say that Bryant and I were particularly close or that we had frequent interactions with one another, but my husband KC was very close to him and so in that way I knew Bryant through the lens of my husband. They had a very strong bond with one another for a lot of reasons, but I think one of them was that they were the only two in the family who had experienced certain things and I think it often made Bryant feel understood when KC was there.  

Bryant had struggles, like we all do. I know he felt judged. The longer I live in Provo the more I understand it. There are so many wonderful and giving people in this town, but there is also a lot of judgement that goes around, and it's sad. The time I spent with Bryant left me feeling sometimes frustrated with him, but only if it was directly related to me. Most often I felt that I didn't really know him or the things he had experienced in his life and so I was in the position to judge him. Kc nurtured a lot of my sympathies and perspectives because he did know Bryant, he knew his heart. I remember I took this class at BYU Education week about Depression. I know this was one of the struggles Bryant had during his time here with us. It is something I had never struggled with personally, but I had wanted to have a better understanding of it. I felt that it changed me in a way I can't explain, and I walked out of that class with a new lens for seeing people in the world, kind hearted people like Bryant. I loved how much Bryant and Kc loved each other, and it affected me in a way I don't think I am even fully realizing till I write it now.  Kc (and his father Scott) had this ability to always see Bryant for who he really was, no matter the circumstances of life.

It wasn't until a trip KC's family took to Hawaii a couple years ago that I felt that I really understood Bryant better, and who he really was at his core. We were all together in a house, and his daughter Cailin was there with us as well. Previously I hadn't spent much time with the two of them. She didn't want to do anything without her Dad, she was just cherishing every second with him. The love between the two was palpable. They would walk to the local store together just to get a drink, and the time was so precious to them both. I could see how much he loved her, and how much he wanted her to know that. And she did know it. When you see people in their moments where they express and display their deepest love, you can understand them more fully and your compassion for them as human beings grows. There was an event that caused some altercation that caused the family to sit together to talk things through. I was present but not being an immediate family member I didn't say anything but only observed. Everyone was trying to be as forgiving and compassionate as possible and still Bryant seemed to be very much on the defense. I remember during the conversation and afterwards thinking, I get it, I get you Bryant. I really regret not saying that to him at the time. I get that feeling of trying and trying and making a mistake and feeling that only your mistakes are being recognized and sort of backed into a corner fighting your way out. I wish we were all better at comparing ourselves to ourselves, but we are not. We are always being measured up to others, and it's not fair. 

I think when someone dies we ask ourselves what we could have done differently, better, what would we have changed if we could. Naturally I had this thought, but because my interactions with Bryant were so infrequent I didn't feel there was too much that I did "wrong" but definitely things I could have done better. Moments I could have taken advantage of to make him feel more loved. Although these kinds of thoughts are fruitless in as much that you can't change the past, they are however beneficial in that it helps you make improvements for things in the future. After Bryant died we spent a lot of time talking about him and his life. I wish we could do this while people are still living. I understood him so much better. One important lesson I have learned in my life is that if you ever feel bothered by someone, ask them about themselves. When you get to know people and their story and life experiences you can't help but feel more love, compassion, understanding, patience, and forgiveness for them. This is how I felt with Bryant. 

I'm hoping to continue my dialogue here as I learn new things about myself and the world from my reflection on Bryant's life, but I wanted to conclude with the things I have observed and pondered the most. The bond between a parent and child is tangible. It is the strongest bond on the face of this earth. The things learned and sacrificed through that kind of a relationship are beyond our earthly understanding. Love is so pure. It really can conquer and overcome anything, and we should seek it in any relationship that we encounter with any person in our lives. Forgiveness and compassion will never hurt you. They will never make you less the way holding on to grudges or anger can. I want to seek to help and understand, I want to believe that I have a higher capacity than to judge someone. It's interesting how those simply adages that we have been hearing for years have so much truth to them. Judge not, lest ye be judge. Don't judge til' you've walked a mile in someone else's shoes.  

These are my thoughts today. For you Bryant.


P.S. If you want to hear a beautiful podcast about Forgiveness there is one available on KUER RadioWest by Doug Fabrizio. You can't go wrong with any of his podcasts, but this is one of his very best (in my opinion.)