The Atkinsons

After 5 years.

      Kc and I celebrated our 5th anniversary on the 12th of August. It is such a landmark year and has really caused me to look back and reflect on my marriage and things I can do to improve and be better. Kc and I are really happy right now and we have a great marriage, but I think marriage is something that you should never stop working on or trying to improve because I think that in the moment you do that's when everything starts to die without you realizing it and you wake up one day unhappily married and wondering how it is that you got there.

     I had a conversation with a friend a while ago and she asked me if I had had any struggles in my marriage. I said of course! No one has a perfect marriage, and lots of people have struggles. Struggle is part of marriage and part of life and our journey to become a better person and learn more about ourselves and the person we love. I don't claim to be an expert on marriage by any stretch of the imagination and everyone's journey is so different, but I thought it might help if I shared some of my experiences as a reminder for myself and with the possibility that it may help others who have doubts or feel unsettled and wonder, is this normal?

      
       I met my husband while working at an Italian restaurant in downtown Provo. I thought he was one of the most gorgeous men I had ever seen and was really quite shocked when he showed interest in me. Mostly because I was somewhat of a hippie who never wore makeup and had current ambitions of joining the peace corps when I graduated from college. In retrospect I think that is what attracted him to me because I was different from any of the girls he had dated previously. We fell in love quickly, fast and hard. The kind of love where you want to be with that person every waking moment. There was of course also some issues from the very beginning. I was loud, talkative, social, and adventurous. Kc was soft spoken, reserved, and enjoyed being alone with me more often than going to a social gathering. We overlooked these issues though because young love is the  most reckless and carefree kind of love. I always say that you have a "type" until you meet a certain someone and they don't fit any of your criteria and you just love them madly anyways.

               We decided we wanted to get married after dating for about 9 or 10 months, but we were young and life took it's course which led to a 2 year long courtship. We had lots of ups and downs and broke up multiple times during this period. It's easier to walk away when you have problems when you aren't fully committed to each other. It's interesting to look back because during those trials I learned the very most about Kc and who he was as a person and how he came to do or say some of the things he did. I also learned that he loved me very much and he didn't want to walk away. He wanted to be married to me.

       After we got engaged we were so happy and giddy. We couldn't wait to be married. On our wedding day I felt so in love and that what I was doing was right. After our honeymoon we returned home and real life set in. I'm not sure how long, maybe 6 months, but after some time things got hard. I couldn't even really tell you a specific reason why, I think it was a combination of a lot of things. I think learning to live and completely share your life with someone is hard. I think I had certain unrealistic expectations. I think kc and I didn't (and still kind of don't) communicate in the same way. The later reason made things the most difficult because all your trials and frustrations are that much harder if you can't communicate with each other. 

               And so it went. And I began to question everything I felt so certain of- I felt I had made the wrong decision. I thought I should have married someone who was more this or that, and really I found myself starting on the slippery slope of falling out of love with my husband. It scared me. I didn't want to be one of those women who was trapped in a loveless marriage, and yet this was a man who I had loved so deeply and completely. How could this have happened? I decided to talk to my husband, and to make a change. 

     It started with a conversation. We both expressed that we were not happy with how things were, and that we wanted them to change. We both agreed that communication was key, and that we would have to overcome this obstacle. Most importantly we expressed that we both still loved each other, and wanted to be married to one another. 

             Things didn't change over night. Like all matters of the heart it took time and a lot of patience and dedication til one day you wake up and you forget that it was ever so bad, and it seems a distant memory. I did this by turning my heart towards Kc. I did this by giving him (and myself) lots of allowance and room for error and to forgive on another. I asked what his needs were, what it was that he needed from our relationship, and I told him the things I needed. I started to be kinder to him and found that my kindness was returned 10 fold. It's ironic but through these trails I learned what real love was, and I learned so much more about who my husband really was and how I could be a positive influence in his life and a force for good. 

              After 5 years of marriage I can truly say I am happier than I have ever been, and I am grateful for those difficult times because it made my husband and I so much closer to each other and we learned those difficult lessons early on so we could know how to manage other trials that will undoubtedly lie ahead. I see lots of people struggle with their marriages and go through devastating divorces and I don't judge them because I haven't walked a mile in their shoes, but I did want to share my story and say that for most of us if we want to make our marriage work, it can work! In the end it takes both, but in the beginning it just takes one to make the effort and show you really care and love that person. 

                   
       Walking away may sound easy when you are struggling, but the struggle doesn't go away when he/she does. Divorce is devastating and  can have effects that will last your whole lifetime. Most often you will find greater happiness from fixing your marriage than you will from walking away. I guarantee you will have trials no matter who you marry, the grass is always greener on the other side, but every human is flawed and if you marry someone completely different from your first spouse you are just swapping out one struggle for another. And maybe you'll never have any trails as difficult as I did, or possibly you will experience even greater struggles- ones I couldn't even imagine or understand. Possibly hard times won't hit you til year 5 or 10 or 15, but be prepared when it does. Always be willing to make changes to strengthen your marriage. It is so worth it. Every day when my husband comes home and my beautiful daughter runs up to him and yells Daddy and we look at each other and smile- it's so beyond worth it. 

               Kimo is a great man. He's kind and tender hearted, and has the patience I dream about. He's hard working and dedicated. He loves to help others, his eyes light up when someone asks him a question and he gets a chance to show them something he loves to do. He's appreciative. Most mornings I make him breakfast because I think it's those small acts of kindness that make a good marriage, and yet he never expects it and always shows such genuine gratitude that after a hard morning shift the first thing I do when I get home is make him and Olive something to eat. He never expects me to have everything in perfect order or have dinner made, and he never complains or seems bothered when I have been wearing the same pair of sweats for the past three days and putting my hair up in the same messy bun. He'll paint a wall and then repaint it when I change my mind (multiple times) and never complains (maybe just teases me a little.) He's always willing to watch Olive when I need a break. He is honest and he always sees the good in people. 

I am very lucky to have found him.

            This is my marriage story.

 Maybe it helps some of you, and maybe it doesn't- but it was a story I wanted to tell. Something I felt was important to remember.
In truth- marriage is hard, but oh the joy it brings your soul.